Wondering why you can’t seem to break free from the toxic grip of a narcissist? It is because of a trauma bond. When you find yourself caught in the grip of a toxic relationship, the trauma bond keeps you tethered despite knowing the harm it brings. This kind of toxic relationship can affect your mental health, self-esteem, and relationship with others. 

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How A Narcissist Can Make You Feel Isolated

Oftentimes narcissists will isolate you from your friends and family in order to maintain control. This can look like your partner making you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with other people and convince you to stay home. It can also appear as the narcissist starting an argument with you over whether or not your friends are good for you. At first it may be difficult to differentiate between your narcissistic partner genuinely looking out for you and your narcissistic partner wanting to control you. It is easy to get people’s intentions wrong.

Dependency is another tactic for narcissists to use when trying to keep their relationship from falling apart. Narcissists are really good at making their partners depend on them for validation and companionship which can ultimately create a trauma bond. In a relationship this can be difficult because their partner may make their self-worth dependent on how the narcissist perceives them. The only time that they feel validated is when the narcissist compliments them. This dependency tactic and trauma bond gives the narcissist power over their partner making them feel isolated and unable to leave.

How Narcissists Rewrite Reality

Some narcissists will use gaslighting as a way to alter their partners’ sense of reality. This form of manipulation is very dangerous because gaslighting can distort your perception of what is true and not. It can make you doubt your experience.

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines gaslighting as:

“Psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.”

Narcissists can rewrite reality by changing the details when recalling a fight. Narcissists will do this in order to make themselves look better in a scenario when they may have done something wrong. It can also look like denial. Narcissists will deny that they said or did something hurtful to maintain control and protect themselves from the blame. When faced with someone who rewrites the past, it is extremely difficult to leave the relationship because you begin to question your judgment. 

Why We Are Fearful Of Abandonment

A deep seated fear of abandonment keeps you from leaving the narcissist. Where you fear loneliness and rejection. Where you think you are unloveable outside of them. All of these thoughts can keep you from leaving a trauma bond with a narcissist.

We can get lost in the fear of never receiving love again. Ending a trauma bond with a narcissist is very difficult. There can be many reasons as to why we are scared of abandonment: abuse, trauma, anxious attachment style, etc. It is important to understand the sources of these fears and be willing to take the risk to leave your toxic relationship. Narcissists are great at instilling this fear of abandonment inside of you, however you are strong enough to leave and receive the support you need to heal.

Why We Might Get Lost In The Illusion Of Love With A Narcissist

A narcissist will create an illusion of love that may be difficult to decipher. For example, narcissists will buy you gifts so you can cling on to them as rewards. Narcissists may spend a lot of money on a gift as a way to later manipulate you into feeling guilty for the large expense. Gifts can be used as a way to solidify control over the receiving partner. Narcissists may also give gifts to their partners when they made a serious mistake such as infidelity.

Walking away from a narcissistic partner that showers you with gifts can be challenging. However it is possible. You are capable of breaking this illusion of love and trauma bond. You first need to be willing to heal. Your journey to heal is about you and no one else. Practice having compassion for yourself. Try giving yourself compliments that you once craved from your narcissistic partner. Remember that you can take back the power and control over your life. You have the strength to walk away and heal, especially with the help of your loved ones.