Ever feel like opening up might scare someone off—or worse, hurt you all over again?
Opening up to people can feel scary, especially when past experiences have left emotional scars. Letting someone see the more vulnerable parts of you may seem overwhelming or exhausting. However despite the fear, there is something deeply powerful in allowing others to truly know you. Real connection can be one of the most beautiful experiences because it involves someone outside of yourself, being able to see you for who you really are.
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Why We Fear Vulnerability With New Friends and People
Vulnerability is a challenging skill to develop. Opening up to friends and family can feel nerve-wracking, and for good reason. The fear that often surrounds vulnerability usually comes from a hesitation to take emotional risks. For example, sharing our true thoughts and feelings with others.
These fears are often rooted in past experiences. For instance, emotional trauma from a previous relationship can make someone more guarded and cautious. Similarly, if a person’s vulnerability was once met with judgment, betrayal, or dismissal by a loved one, it can lead to a deep reluctance to be open again. Over time, these experiences teach us that vulnerability is not always safe even when, in healthy relationships, it is the very thing that creates deeper connection.
Why We Self-Sabotage In Relationships
There are many reasons why we tend to self-sabotage in relationships. For some, pushing others away becomes a form of self-protection: an unconscious attempt to avoid the pain of being hurt. This behavior often stems from a deep fear of emotional vulnerability. You might begin to notice certain patterns in how you relate to others: repeating cycles where you keep people at a distance, not because you don’t care, but because letting them in feels too risky. When vulnerability has been used against you in the past, it is natural to fear it happening again.
What Causes Fear of Abandonment? Insights from Mental Health Expert
The fear of abandonment is common. For many, emotional closeness can feel unsettling. It is not because connection isn’t desired, but because it can trigger the fear of eventually losing that connection. This often leads to a self-protective mindset: leave before you can be left. It is a painful paradox craving intimacy while simultaneously fearing it. No one wants to feel abandoned, so it is understandable why some people choose to avoid close relationships altogether. By keeping others at a distance, they believe they can avoid the pain of loss. In doing so, they may also miss out on the very connection they long for.
How To Allow Feelings Of Closeness With Loved Ones and New Friends
There are many steps you can take to begin embracing closeness and practicing vulnerability. One important starting point is identifying the triggers that cause you to pull away when others seek emotional connection. It is also helpful to recognize the core beliefs you hold, often shaped by past experiences, that may lead you to resist vulnerability or fear emotional intimacy.
Building secure and trusting relationships involves intentional effort, and communication plays a key role. Learning to express your thoughts and feelings openly not only strengthens connections but also helps you gradually become more comfortable with vulnerability.
Therapy can be a valuable resource in this healing process. Working with a mental health professional can help you navigate the fears and anxieties that come with opening up, offering a safe space to explore your emotions. In addition, self-reflection practices like journaling can offer insight into the patterns or past experiences that make it difficult to let people in. Through consistent reflection and support, you can start to rebuild your capacity for connection one step at a time.
